The view from the edge

"They grow up so fast," we've all heard it countless times as parents, but can never fully comprehend it in the midst of it all. They really do grow up fast—and I'm still trying to comprehend it as I find myself facing an empty nest, a really empty nest—I'm a single mom. 

Yes, I took the advice I heard so often as a new mother—"enjoy every minute, they'll be grown and gone before you know it!" I really have enjoyed being a mom and I am grateful I had the opportunity (and chose) to be a stay-at-home mom for many years. It sounds so old fashioned to say it, but I was pretty happy being "Betty Homemaker." I loved being so close with my girls—the baths, bedtime stories, home made birthday cakes—that's the good stuff!—and no, that was not entirely the plan when I got married. My plan was to share in all that, have a partnership, work together, split the responsibilities of parenting and keeping a home. Well, we all know that life has plans for us that we just don't see coming! 

Today, and I am grateful for the plans I didn't see coming! Certainly not the easy road, but I've survived—no, I've thrived! My daughters are 17 and 20 now, both are amazing in their own right. Young women charting their own course in life—strong, independent and compassionate. I like to think I had something to do with that, I'm a work in progress though. 

So even as I'm writing this, I find myself stalling. It's a little scary/sad/intimidating/exciting to really stop and take a look at what this means for me. An empty nest. My whole adult life has been hyper focused on being a mom (and dad in some ways). I love seeing my daughters growing into young women, I'm so impressed with them both. They certainly don't need me much any more—which was of course the goal all along—my job as a parent to raise them to be self sufficient. So, for me, job well done I suppose... This is where I need to pause and be grateful, not fearful. This is where I need to ask, "ok, what do I want from my life?"

It wasn't that many years ago that I couldn't even tell you what I liked to do, what my goals were in life or how I was even feeling! I was consumed by an unhealthy marriage. Focused on my girls and in denial of the reality of my circumstances. But from the outside, not many people knew that about me. I put on a happy face and pretended everything was "fine"—that pretty much covered everything—"How are you?"—fine. The less people knew about how empty and hopeless I felt inside the better—then I wouldn't have to face my reality either. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt!

I know what I like to do now: hike, snowshoe, drink coffee on my deck, do Kundalini yoga—yes, chanting is incredible, don't knock it til you try it!—meet new people, go new places, stop and smell the roses! I know how I feel now and I know who I can share that with now. I know my only limit is me—thanks to my daughter for putting Nike's mantra on the fridge!

What I don't know, is where my path will lead me. For now, my plan is to enjoy the last year of being a live-in mom, help guide and support my daughter through her college search and decision, and let life's plans happen!

Join me as I share with you in this blog the view from the edge of an empty nest!